The year is almost at a close. My last final is tomorrow morning and I am rushing to get everything done. All this finals stress has forced me to reevaluate my decision to become an English major. In my limited experience, being an English major sucks, and writing papers for every class isn’t as fun as I might have thought. So if you’re thinking about choosing English as your college major, here are some things you may want to consider:
1) There’s no real way to study. If someone knows how to condense down three centuries worth of literature onto a 3×5 index card, please share your wealth.
2) Valuable skills, but no jobs. Not unless you want to be an English teacher or … nope. That’s it. Job fairs, help me out here.
3) You’ll never get into grad school. Have you heard of our GRE? We like forcing you to recall obscure lines from poems throughout time and be able to identify the title and poet.
4) If you aren’t familiar with Shakespeare or Greek mythology, you’re screwed. Allusions? That’s like Harry Houdini, right?
5) T.S. Eliot. Enough said.
6) You will be forever stereotyped as a really weird theater kid or a stuck-up hipster. I just like reading…
7) No one understands you. Honestly, no one understands how time-consuming English homework can be. Plus, we talk funny.
8) You get the oldest and dirtiest college building on campus. And no windows. Unless you go to a liberal arts college. Then you might get windows.
9) You don’t get nearly enough printing credits. They realize we live to write papers, right?
10) First question everyone asks after learning your major: “Oh. So are you going into teaching?” No.
(Note: English is actually the coolest major you can possibly have, and you should definitely be an English major. I’m just a bitter college student at the end of a long and painful finals week. Disregard this entire post.)